The autumn season reminds us of the leaves turning, cooler weather and, of course, football, so in a never-ending effort to attract more folks to church, we are considering translating some familiar football phrases to church related items, as first conceived by a former football coach:
Personal foul: When Pastor Mark leads the congregation in song.
Unsportsmanlike conduct: When Pastor Mark sings a solo.
Hail Mary: A desperate move made by the ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the offering plate.
Halftime: The period after the sermon when many parishioners wake up.
Illegal motion: Leaving before the benediction.
Interference: Talking during the prelude.
Instant replay: Pastor Mark continuously repeating himself throughout the sermon.
Screenplay: The use of videos and PowerPoint as part of Sunday morning worship.
Blitz: The rush to the Fellowship Hall on Cookie Sunday.
Sidelines: Where lukewarm Christians always stand.
Running back: Taking the Gospel and running with God’s truth and spirit in one’s heart.
Linebacker: One who defends the faith against all attacks.
Owner/CEO: God.
Owner/President: Jesus.
Manager of operations: The Church Board.
Director of player personnel: The pastor.
Coach: Whomever is bending the pastor’s ear.
Assistant coach: The Holy Spirit.
Overtime: When sermon time takes up the Sunday school hour.
Coin toss: Taking up the offering.
Punt: The point in the sermon where Pastor Mark gets lost, the congregation is lost, and the sound man cannot turn off the microphone.
Punt return: When the congregation wakes up.
Defensive holding: The first folks to grab the seats in the back row.
Quick count: Estimate of Sunday worship attendance.
Dead ball: An awkward silence during the sermon when the pastor has asked the congregation for a verbal response that is never received.
Roster: Official list of church members
Excessive timeouts: Crying babies, severe coughing, talking or snoring.
Eligible receiver: A faithful servant of the Lord.
Unnecessary roughness: Gossiping, lying and rudeness.
Formation: Gathering for the Worship Service.
End run: Getting out of church quickly, without speaking to guests or fellow church members.
Field goal: Getting at least something out of the Worship Service.
Safety: Proof that God and your church have your back.
Touchdown: When the Worship Service moves your spirit, which moves you to be more Godly in all you say and do.
Special teams: The church choir, technicians and sound crew, church committees, fellowship groups, Open Arms volunteers, office personnel, janitorial crew and building maintenance.
Scrimmage: Trying to get to everyone during greeting time.
Extra point: Showing care and compassion to one another.
Fumble: When the minister mispronounces a word or two during the sermon.
Game ball: The Bible.
Quarterback sneak: When the pastor says or does something unexpected.
Draw play: The doodling, drawings and illustrations created by church patrons on the church bulletin.
Staying in the pocket: What happens to a lot of money that should be going toward the Lord’s work.
Tackle: What takes place around the dessert table during 5th Sunday potluck dinners.
Pastor Mark